Written by: Deeba Chaudhry
Source: Calgary Ahmadiyya Muslim Examiner
Welcome to the world of parenthood. Our children deserve to learn the most important behaviours from us and acquire important habits (life skills) with our help. As parents, we give our children the best in us by helping them build an exemplary character that they can rely on in their own lives. Our kids are innocent and they need our kind help. These children need the tools to be successful in all aspects of their practical lives. As parents, we are the first teachers of our children since birth, and we are rewarded to become parents. Therefore, as responsible parents it
First and foremost, our parenting efforts must start with supplications to Allah Almighty. The Holy Qur’an teaches us to pray for pure offspring in the words of Hadhrat Zachariah (as): “My Lord, grant me pure offspring from Thyself. (Al-Imran, 3:39). Therefore, the notion of raising children should be on our minds even before our children are born. We should be praying for not only our children but also for our spouses and ourselves. Parents should pray: “Our Lord, grant us of our spouses and children the delight of our eyes, and make us a model for the righteous”. (Al-Furqan, 25:75) Parents should be focused on teaching and training their children to love Allah Almighty, pray to Allah, and trust in Allah the Almighty. The Holy Quran mentioned that Hadhrat Ibrahim (as) used to pray: “My Lord, make me observe Prayer, and my children too (Ibrahim, 14:41) Similarly, the Holy Quran teaches: “Enjoin Prayer on Thy family, and be constant therein. (Ta Ha, 20:133) Now, there is a narrow window of formative years to accomplish this in. It will happen naturally if the children see their parents and elders doing so. Parents should mind the big picture and continually reflect upon the long term implications of short term actions. A seemingly benign choice by parents many terminally affect their children. So, how people choose to live today will largely determine how their children will live tomorrow. Parents should know that their deeds speak louder than their words. Parents need to be role models for their children in everything good and realize that raising children are not a set of tasks or chores; rather it is a way of life. And, only a healthy and meaningful way of life is worth living. Firstly, parents should remember that most habits are easier to adopt and cultivate in the earlier years; however, bad habits developed earlier are very difficult to get rid of later. As it is said that well begun is half done, it is important to nurture good behaviour in children from the beginning. Secondly, parents should note that in their formative years, children learn by copying of following directions. However, as they grow older, parents need to train them to make right choices on their own. As it is said, given a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach him how to fish and you feed him for life. Thirdly, parents need to be consistent and constant in their parenting efforts. The importance of both parents being on the same page and working toward the same goal with a mutually supportive and harmonious approach can not be overemphasized. In the beginning, children will playfully pick up the habit of praying by just copying their parents. The holy Prophet (saw) said that at age 7, the parents should formally inspire their children to join in prayers. At age 10, as they get exposed to other interests and may get distracted, the parents should admonish them to be regular in daily prayers. However, after age 12, the parents may only remind them about it. If the parents heed this advice, they will not have to anguish later on. Initially, ensuring punctual observation of the daily prayers is important. Later on, by the Grace of Allah, the quality of their prayers will improve and their love for and trust in Allah will naturally follow. Finally, according to the Holy Quran, “Their prayers will safeguard them against indecency and evil. (Al-Ankabut, 29:46)
It is very important that parents watch their company their children keep. The Holy Quran teaches us: “Be with the truthful. (Al-Tauba, 9:119) Therefore, if parents are truthful and keep company with the truthful, their children will naturally follow. It is said that a man is known by the company he keeps. In the past it meant the physical company. Today, however, it is also the virtual company we keep. With the advent of the ubiquitous electronic gadgets, the temptation is to mindlessly spend more time in the virtual company then some time in the purposeful physical company. Alongside the many benefits of modern inventions, is the loss of humanity adopting mutual ills. Badness attracts and leads children to adopt it with intensity, while forgetting traditions and beliefs. Some children considering such matters trivial, also get inclined in this way, resulting in very bad consequences. These children should invest their precious time in the remembrance of Allah, the mosque, purposeful readings, meaningful discussions, watching MTA, and getting to know the truthful and should not waste their free time on TV, DVDS, Ipods, MySpace, YourFace, Youtube, and Chat rooms. Unfortunately, children have the propensity to take the easy way out. Most of these children have relatively easy access to this irresistible virtual world. But, it is insane and a slippery slope. On the other hand, the company of the truthful and pursuit of some larger than life goal seem difficult and boring. It is struggle and requires high resolve and serious forethought. While modern technology is wonderful and unavoidable, it is the end to which we employ it that is of the essence. It can provide easy and affordable access to the company of the truthful. So far starters, the key word is “balance”. Till one can instinctively embrace the company of the truthful, the least we should do is be highly selective and strike a balance between the mundane and the sublime. Parents should be their children’s first and foremost company. If they develop a bond of mutual understanding, respect, compassion, trust and confidence with their children, they won’t need to look elsewhere for company.
People need to do parenting with wisdom. According to the Holy Quran: “Call unto the way of they Lord with wisdom and goodly exhortation, and argue with them in a way that is best. (Al-Nahl, 16:126) Wisdom demands moderation. The Holy Prophet (saw) said: “Moderation is best in all affairs”. When parenting people need to find a balance between negligence and indulgence, between trust and suspicion. Similarly, we need to know the difference between advising and nagging, and monitoring and snooping. This is especially critical when the children are in their adolescence. Wisdom also demands that parent ‘know’ their children by getting personally involved in their lives with mutually respectful, frank and honest communication. Parents must know their friends, interests, aspirations, challenges, preferences, priorities, and tendencies. Parents should coach, assist and support them in solving their problems. However, the focus of our parenting should be “islaah”, that is, behavioural reformation. Parents evaluate and rethink their parenting approach if their actions or comments appear to be resulting in contemptuous or rebellious reaction in their children. Parents should be firm but polite with them. On the other hand, parents should know their own limitations and seek appropriate professional help, if necessary, for the physical and mental health of their children in a timely manner. A stitch in time can save nine; any procrastination in this regard can have serious consequences. Wisdom also requires proper anger management. At times, parenting can be very stressful, frustrating, or at times enraging. Some situations can easily spin out-of-control. At such times, parents need to swallow their pride, exercise self-control, and refrain from meaningless threats and verbal or physical abuse. Hadhrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad, The Promised Messiah (as), the founder of Ahmadiyya Muslim Jama’at said: “An individual with self-respect and self-control, who is also forbearing and dignified, has the right to correct a child to a certain extend or guide the child. But a wrathful and hot-headed person who is easily provoked is not fit to be a guardian of children. (Malfuzat, vol. 2, p.4) Regarding the corporal punishment, the Promised Messiah (as) said: “Beating of children is an act which can be termed as a sort of polytheism (shirk). It actually means that the ill-tempered person makes himself a partner of God in giving guidance and sustaining the creatures. I wish that, instead of punishing children, parents would resort to prayer, and would make it a habit to supplicate earnestly for their children as the supplications of the parents for their children are particularly accepted by God. (Malfuzat, vol2, p.4)
Islam teaches parents to treat their children fairly and respectfully. The Holy Prophet (saw) said: “Respect your children and cultivate good manners in them. (Ibne Majah)) Each child has a unique nature and a distinct set of strengths and challenges. As such, each child deserves a unique parents approach. What works for one child may not work for another. However, no child should have any complex about his or her sibling being the favourite child. In addition, general behaviour and attitude, Islam teaches parents to: Vie with one another in good works. (Al-Baqarah, 2:149) Therefore, parents need to inculcate in their children a competitive attitude and a mindset of doing their best in everything good, particularly in learning religious and secular knowledge. The Holy Prophet (saw) said: Acquisition of knowledge is obligatory upon every Muslim man and woman. (Baihiqi) Parents should nurture a knowledge centric culture not money centric. Their children should not get distracted from their long term educational and professional goals due to their short term money making opportunities.
A child should be kept clean and fed at fixed hours from the very day it is born. This is very helpful for its health. But a greater benefit is that its limbs come to acquire a sense of punctuality. A child should be assigned responsible jobs suited to its age. This will help create a sense of responsibility in the child. It is said that a father had two sons. He gave one of them an apple and asked him to divide it with his brother. The father asked if he knew how to divide the apple. The child replied that he did not. The father said: He who divides should take the smaller half and give his brother the bigger half. At this boy said that in that case the apple had better be divided by his brother. This shows that this boy had already acquired the habit the selfishness, but knew that if the responsibility fell upon him, he would have to accord priority to his brother. A child should be not obstinate. If it persists in being stubborn, its attention should be diverted to something else. Parents should address a child politely and courteously, for a child is a great mimic. If you address it rudely, it will return the compliment in kind. Parents should not lie to a child nor be peevish or arrogant with it. It will certainly imitate parents. Parents should teach children to admit their mistakes, as a matter of habit. Moreover, parents should not try to hind their own mistakes before a child. Parents should become sympathetic when it commit’s a mistake. Let it feel that mistake is a kind of loss it has suffered.
A child should be given a little money. This will teach it three virtues: Charitableness, frugality, helping relatives. For instance, if it has three coins, let it purchase some eatable with one coin and share it with other children; with the second coin, let it buy a toy and the third it should be asked to give in charity. Children should also be given common ownership of some property. For instance, they should be given a toy and they should be told that it belongs to all of them, that all should play with it and that no one should try to damage it. This would teach them to safeguard common property. A child should be given constant guidance in matters of etiquette. Due heed should be paid to physical exercise and stamina of a child. This would help towards its moral education and progress in the world. In light of the foregoing exposition of virtue and morality, only a child who possess characteristics of learning good behaviours, genuine love for God and pure nature is considered to be morally educated.
After the moral education of child, the question arises: How can it be safeguarded against sin? The answer is that human nature is diverse; their, parents cannot afford to generalise. The same recipe cannot be helpful in all cases. Even a physical ailment does not admit of the same treatment for every patient. Take the case of common cold. To some, a cup of tea can provide instant relief. In the case of another, sweetened curd or whey is helpful. There are still others who require a prolonged medical treatment. There are those whom medicine can help while there are others who simply baffle medical experts, why? The answer is simple, different people suffer not from one but from different diseases. Human beings differ. Children must have true knowledge of right and wrong. The heart might urge towards right action, but if they do not know what the right action is, they cannot perform it. Similarly, the heart might warn one against evil, but if one is ignorant of that and why an act is evil, one cannot guard himself against it. Thus it is essential that a child should know what ought or ought not to do. Children must know the context in which right action has to be done and bad action avoided.
Parents must remember that their children are but a sacred trust with them from Almighty Allah and raising children is very serious, difficult and humbling undertaking. Allah says in the Holy Quran: “Prove not false to your trusts knowingly; and know that your possessions and your children are but a trial. (Al-Anfal, 8:28-29) Parenting requires infinite patience and prayers. The Holy Quran teaches: “Seek help with patience and prayer. (Al-Barqarah, 2:154) At times, when parents seem to run out of ideas and answers they should pray: “Our Lord, perfect our light for us and forgive us. (Al-Tahrim, 66:9) Parents are acutely aware of the overwhelming nature of this tremendous responsibility. However, parents should recognize that no matter how hard and sincerely they may strive, at the end of the day it is merely the Grace and Mercy of Allah Almighty that will save all children and keep them on the right path. Hadhrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad, The Promised Messiah (as) and the founder of the Ahmadiyya Movement in Islam said: “I pray for my children and require them to follow a broad set of rules of behaviour and no more. Beyond this I put my full trust in Allah Almighty with the confidence that the seed of good fortune inherent in each of them will flourish at its proper time. (Malfuzat, vol. 2, p.5) Similarly, he also said: “ There are certain prayers that are a daily routine for me. I pray for myself that God may let me do the kind of things that would manifest His honour and grandeur and He may make me fully resigned to His will. Than I pray for my wife that He may grant me children through her who may prove to be the coolness of my eyes and who may live their lives in perfect accordance with the will of God. Then I pray for my children that God may make all of them servants of His religion. (Malfuzat, vol.2, p.4)
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